Being a mere “Sunday Catholic” after my baptism last year, I took lightly on God’s love for me, the Holy Spirit that He had filled me with and the renewed life that he had granted to me. I thought He had already blessed me with good health, good career, good love/family relationship and with the Holy Spirit within me, I can make them last. I was ignorant. I begun to neglect my faith pursue, somehow begun to take a lukewarm attitude towards my prayer life, my relationship with God and overtime, I even forgot that it was God who miraculously gave me a life back during the darkest period of my life before my baptism. I forgot it was God who mercifully gave me revived Hope in my life with His gifts of needs, simplicity and heart-felt joy. A conscious part of me reminded me of Him but it was weak, fragile and somewhat distant. I couldnt describe, couldnt understand and begun to lay all my priorities wrong. Similarly despite knowing the importance of the period of Lent, I took lightly upon it, fasting predominately only against meat on every Wed & Fri (but slipping from it on some occasions), a period which I could have graced myself with my Love for God, good reflections of Him and resist from all temptations against sin. I failed, failed miserably. Darkness of all forms befall upon me, that I totally erased the importance of God in my life, the importance of being Christ and not worldly-centred, the importance of practising as a good Catholic, and the importance of simply being righteous.
As a prideful yet an ignorant “Sunday Catholic”, I under-estimated the ability of the evil spirits in taking control of my life entirely once I relent myself to temptations, eventually committing sins of various forms. Perhaps by the grace of the Holy Spirit within me, I knew that there had been a deep internal struggle within me to break-free, break-free from sinning, and to break-free for the once intensely-felt joy, peace and loving ambience within me towards and right after my baptism. Perhaps by the Holy Spirit within me, I was able to be remain conscious intermediately, but eventually losing control and self-consciousness entirely. I was in an entire period of darkness, as fear once again stormed through my life. It was an indepth undescribable yet familiar fear...fear of the loss of a special loved one. I forgot about God, His Strength and Power to pull me out of my darkness, and that only He can save me from the unexplained.
There had been a battlefield of my mind, heart and soul, and I was on a losing battle.
About 2 months ago, with a strong desire to transform for myself and for the love of "God's Special Gift", I began to seek God again by actively praying. I remembered how my prayers had worked miraculously for me and had once helped me built an intimate relationship with God. Prayer helps me to put down my pride before God (The Holy One), face and present all my weaknesses and struggles to Him, and surrender my spiritual self to Him. Prayer enables me to converse with God, to open my heart to Him, to hear Him. Prayer enables me to become ONE with God. I know that God always opens His door for me whenever I knock, and only if I knock. By the grace of God, I became fully conscious of who I had become once again, the “Josephine” who once fell into deep intense darkness during her period of multiple crisis. And when I finally sprung free from my trapped sinful self, this time much faster and stronger, I was flustered with guilt, deep regrets and self-condemnation. I wept daily in my prayers of confession and self-pity but soon by God’s grace, I was adamant to renew my faith eternally in Hope, Light & Love. I want to know God, I want to seek and understand His words, I want to keep a spiritually strong relationship with God. I yearn to be "Adele", a baptism name which I chose for myself simply because it represents holiness and compassion. I yearn to be "Adele", one who appreciates all existence in life, one who reaches out to others in need of love, one who loves others as God has loved me. I yearn to be "Adele", one who is loving and selfless yet strong in her will in pursuing and reflecting the goodness of God. I yearn to be "Adele" who is extraordinary and unique in her own strengths as God has created in every individual. I want to be "Adele" and live up to be "Adele". I knew it was not for pride, but for righteousness. More importantly, I knew I was not alone for I had opened my heart to receiving Him and it is only through God that I will once again walk in Light. I prayed for faith, for strength to walk along side by side with God, and my focus was on restoration and victory in Christ’s terms. I begun building an intimate relationship with Him again, and God restored His gift of hearing Him close to my heart, and Hope. He then began to unveil his strings of surprising gifts to me, new Catholic friends who are able to help me carry my faith to the next level, new accommodation (next to Novena Church, a church which I always have a special bonding with) and financial opportunities/growth.
Spiritual testing can produce strength of character and faithfulness. God is always merciful and He always love me. He doesn’t provide me excessively, but always enough to fill my heart. And He provides me the spiritual strength that I earnestly need, in His amazing ways.
God always make a way when there seems to be no way.
